Okay so yesterday I posted about being Devastated, totally unrecognizable. Well this is what He has set in my heart “FOR SUCH A TIME AS THIS”.
The last few years I feel like I've been in a tug of war, fighting a battle that I cannot win on my own, trying my hardest to be a "GOOD" Christian, Wife, and Mother BUT not who God created me to be. HIS!!!
I’ve been ignoring His call to journey with Him and struggling on my own to stay on a mountain top, in that safe place. I’ve been so unwilling to budge, desperate for something more or better thinking that is the only place I can attain it, only to have my rear end booted off time and time again. Somehow I’ve come to believe that if I’m not on the mountain top that I’m not where I need to be with Him, as if that is the only place He resides. As I’m writing this I can’t believe that I’ve been blind for so long. I’ve allowed Satan to tell me what a failure I am in those valley moments. I’ve allowed him to hinder my call, my dreams and most importantly my pursuit of MY JESUS. Instead of trusting Him with EVERYTHING, I’ve only trusted with some things. As my grandmother says, “You either trust God with Everything or you don’t trust Him at all” and my pastor’s wife who says, “Either God is God or He is NOT”. I’m tired of trying and just plain tired. I will NEVER be perfect.
We try so hard, especially as women and moms…even men, to be perfect. One definition Webster’s gives for perfect is COMPLETE, lacking no essential detail. I’ll say it again I WILL NEVER BE PERFECT. I can’t. He is the ONLY perfect, COMPLETE one, and He is the ONLY one who can COMPLETE me. Wow this thought just popped in my head and I’m just going to say it. What if a pursuit of trying to be perfect, in any way, is a form of idolatry? OUCH.
The Perfect Christian, with my “spiritual” to do list checked off, the Perfect Wife, doing the cleaning, cooking, and caring for my husband, and the Perfect Mother with devotional time, scripture memory, letters, numbers, and discipline ALL while having a loving, kind, compassionate attitude to my child (when what I really want is a moment of silence and to go to the bathroom by myself). Am I trying so hard to make myself GREAT and get some form of GLORY that I totally miss out. WOW, and not only am I missing out but really putting myself in His place, as if any glory was mine to be attained. AM I WORSHIPING MYSELF (as self deprecating as my attempts to achieve notoriety are)? HOLY SMOKES. I've just been knocked on my butt. It's hard though. I don’t know about y’all but the PROVERBS 31 Woman lingers constantly in the forefront on my mind as this DO or DIE TRYING ideal of who we are supposed to be. Now PLEASE don’t get me wrong. I love the Proverbs 31 Woman. My Mom, Grandmothers, and Aunts are that woman. However, I believe the Proverbs 31 Woman, was that woman, not because she was trying to be something above and beyond, but because she knew this:
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.”-Proverbs 3:5-6. (This among countless other scripture)
We are killing ourselves TRYING so hard to keep it all together… trying to keep all the plates up in air and then what…we go to bed destitute and desperate. We either trust Him with all of it or nothing. There is no middle ground with Him. At what point do we wave the white flag and surrender? At what point are we so desperate for a change that we say “Lord, here am I…DEVASTATE ME”?
“Do not fear, for I am with you, Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you. Surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.”
“These things I have spoken to you, so that in Me you may have peace. In the world you have tribulation, but take courage; “I have overcome the world.” ”
