Come Out, Come Out, Wherever You Are

Ok, I think I’m going to start just about every post with the phrase “Let’s Get Real”. It has a tendency to put me in the right frame of mind if I actually write it. So don’t be surprised if you see it pop up several times.

Today I have a lot on my mind. There are several things I want to talk about and I want to pick the right one for today. So let’s talk about what God has been sharing with me today. (That sounded about bit churchy…sorry). The past couple of days I’ve been reading a new book by John and Stasi Eldredge called Captivating. To say this is a great book that every woman should read, especially if you have little girls, is the understatement of the century. I could just write and write about everything I’m learning, but today I am going to share my revelation.

As I have mentioned previously, I’ve been reading the proverb of the day. Today I read Proverb 7. Proverb 7 talks about the young naive man who is enticed by the adulteress woman. As I began to journal I started to think about how it’s not only men who are enticed away from what God has for there life, but women as well. Now this is where the book comes in. The book talks about the story and plan that God has for women and what He wants to unfold. What caught me is, when they talked about how woman can hide. Let me explain. As a woman, I struggle with the feeling that I am a huge fraud. I mean I pretty much have it together on the outside, I wear nice clothes, my hair and makeup are always done, and I serve in my church, but if you came over to my house you would see a disaster area. I’m not a great housekeeper, wish I would have inherited that from my mother (she keeps a spotless house). I feel like a failure in a lot of areas. Sure I’m good at stuff, but stuff doesn’t mean much in the long run. I live sometimes afraid that someone is going to discover this about me…that I don’t have it all together. Well, let me clue you in here, most of us don’t. Well, due to this fact I have a tendency to hide, afraid of being found out. There are several places I hide and have hidden in the past and some of these may sound familiar. I have hidden in television shows, captivated by the story that is unfolding for the people in whatever drama series or reality tv show. I hide in my duties. I have an infant or now a toddler. We have certain nap times or schedules and can’t make it to playgroup or lunch with a friend. I hide in books or movies, escaping into whatever romance or adventure the characters may be embarking upon. It’s easy to hide and it makes us feel good. We may call it a guilty pleasure or that it helps us unwind. All of this may be true, but the question is not if it is okay to do these things, but what are these things causing us to miss. It goes back to being really intentional.

As a woman I was created for relationship. Relationship with my spouse, daughter, family and friends. However, most importantly I was created for a relationship with God. God’s heart at it’s very depth LONGS for a relationship with us, so why are we not seeking that. It is my greatest need as a woman, for relationship, I have God waiting to fill my every need, and I just want to drowned the world out in whatever program is on my DVR. Man, I feel like I’ve missed it big time.
So what now??? Now I really have to pray and ask God “WHAT?”. What do I need to give up for a real relationship with Him. I want a story, a legacy, that will live on in generations to come. How can that happen if I’m not being intentional…if I’m not willing to give up whatever He may ask in order that I might have all that He has to give? Would we give up our favorite TV show, book series, movies, or music if He asked? Would I give that up with a CHEERFULL heart? If not why? Am I so dependent on the pretense and drama of other’s fake lives that I would willfully miss out on the story and drama that GOD has to unfold in my own life? No one is going to remember who was with whom on Grey’s Anatomy, or if Jacob or Edward won Bella’s heart in the Twilight series, in 50-100 years, but what will be remembered is the kind of woman, wife, mother, daughter, sister, and friend I was. We need to be very cautious that we don’t live life with a mindset of what am I getting out of it, but of what we are able to give to the lives of those around us. BE INTENTIONAL!!!
1 Corinthians 6:12 (New Living Translation)

You say, “I am allowed to do anything”-but not everything is good for you. And even though “I am allowed to do anything,” I must not become a slave to anything.

Intentional

Okay so we are getting REAL here people. So what am I doing about my Fear of Loneliness? I’m turning it into a Passion for Friendship. I know that might sound a bit cheesy, but I don’t just mean friends with other girlfriends. I want to go deeper than that. I want to start with my friendship with God. For many many years now, due to past hurts, I’ve kind of shut down emotionally. I mean I’m still a very emotional person, just ask my husband. (You can feel a little sorry for him here). What I mean to say is that I don’t really invest a lot emotionally. I haven’t invested in my relationship with God, my marriage (that one hurt to write), I have more my daughter but not as much as I should, or in being a true friend. I haven’t allowed myself to be truly vulnerable with anyone in a long time. Sure, I may seem like I am, but I really just put an act on that everything is OKAY. There are times however, when life is just more than I can bear and I break down, but then I pretty quickly return to the “Everything is okay” face. Honestly, I’ve become very passive in my general lifestyle. I’ve let so many years slip away without a bit of intention applied to any of it. I’ve missed time that could have been spent growing in my relationship with God, I’ve missed time getting to know my husband as my best friend, I’ve missed making “moments” with my daughter, and too much time wasted not getting to know some of the amazing women around me. I want to be more intentional in my choices. I want to make my choices matter.

So what’s next? How do you change your perspective? Baby steps. Prioritize. My first order of business is OBVIOUSLY my relationship with God. It has been a long time since I’ve had a real heart to heart with God, other than when an emergency arises, and I am sick of the silence between us. Hey, but He hadn’t gone anywhere, I was the one who put Him on the shelf, and I was the one neglecting our relationship. So, due to the fact that it had been a while since I had really gotten into the Bible wanting or I should say NEEDING a Word, I decided to start with a simple devotional I was given at Christmas and then by reading the Proverb of the Day. I think God had Proverbs divided into 31 chapters, because He knew that would be a starting place for people to meet with Him. The devotional is sweet and simple, not very deep, but there are some great insights I have gained from reading it, but man the Proverb of the day is amazing. When I read it I have my journal next to me and write out the verses that jump off the page at me. I love it. If you have never studied the book of Proverb, man I highly recommend it. I also started having a REAL conversation with God. I don’t mean the whole “Father Who Art In Heaven” prayer, which is great, but I began to talk to Him like a friend. Now, why is it that I don’t have a problem praying in front of people, but when it comes time for me to talk to God by myself I get a little freaked. Oh yeah, the whole getting REAL thing is not comfortable. Even though He knows all my dirt, it’s just not fun admitting it all. Second, I wanted to start working on my relationship with my husband. I started reading this GREAT book For Women Only by Shaunti Feldhahn. Now, for me to say I am reading a book other than the Bible is HUGE!!! I have not read a book since college and that was Lady in Waiting, a really great book as well. I’m just not a book reader, but we are growing here people, and if I want to grow I have to engage my mind more than watching home improvement or cooking shows, or reading my favorite blogs. Books are not my thing, so much so that I have to set a goal for a chapter a day, and to be honest I’m a day and a half behind, but goals can be reset so no guilt here. Since I’ve started doing just these couple of things I’ve noticed an exponential difference in my perspective about life, my relationship with my husband, and I’ve got a renewed sense of passion and excitement about what God has in store for me in the future. Jeremiah 29:11 “ For I know the plans that I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” The journey continues.

AFRAID

Recently I had the opportunity to go to a leadership conference for MOPS (Mother’s of Preschoolers) and they talked a lot about Fear and Passion (I’ll get to the Passion part later). They asked us what are we afraid of and how that is affecting our lives. Well, I never really thought of it. I mean I’m a mom of a toddler, housewife, involved in my church…”BUSY”!!! I hadn’t taken the time to be introspective about anything, especially my fears. It had honestly been to long since I looked in the mirror, so to speak. Well, April 17^th 2010 they made me write my fear down on a piece of paper and show someone. For some reason that freaked me out that I had to show someone ( there it is again being afraid). So, I thought and thought and I could have filled the paper out with things I came up with. I wanted to try and narrow it down though. I finally, after a few minutes, had it…Loneliness. I think one of my greatest fears is loneliness. As I began to think about this, I began to realize that I was pretty lonely. Okay, so this part I’m not getting all “poor is me” just being real here folks. Why am I lonely? I have a great husband, a beautiful little girl, great family, and surrounded by great people, but how well did I know any of them? How many of them are FRIENDS? I mean sure, I am “friends” with several people, but I mean how many of them would I call at 2am and not feel like a burden or if they came over, not care if my house was a total mess? Not very many. Now, let me say this is no ones fault but MINE. I have fostered an attitude of “let’s make it through today”, and not of “let’s build a lifetime”. I have done this in my marriage, the way I interact with my daughter, and the way I interact with others.

So why am I afraid? A lot of it has to do with past betrayals by dear friends, early hardships in my marriage, and just general life change and entering a new season. I want to say that I haven’t harbored resentment, but hey we are BEING REAL here. I have legitimately been wounded by past experiences and relationships, but I cannot allow myself to grow bitter. Where bitterness grows, Grace cannot flow. (Haha!!! I made a rhyme). However, it is hard to forget. Those feelings do like to rear their ugly little head and resentment and bitterness try to set in, but I have to choose to forgive. That in and of it’s self is GOD. WOW GOD…He says that He will never leave us or forsake us, and when God says never He means NEVER. Why am I afraid? Am I afraid of what God might ask of me? Why? He says that He will never give us more than we can bear. Fear has this insane ability to make God small. He says that a mustard seed of faith can move mountains. Can He not handle the problems in my marriage or give me patience to deal with my darling daughter when she is not being so darling, I think not. All we have to do is ask. So why don’t we ask? I have a tendency to put God in a box. I think that God only cares about the BIG things, the fact that the dishwasher is making funny noises or my daughter seems to secretly know every thing to do to frustrate me, doesn’t that matter? The answer is YES, but why do I know that in my head and have such a hard time believing that in my heart. I have such a finite brain and try to wrap that around God, and let me tell you it doesn’t work with an INFINITE GOD. He knows we have fears ,that is why He says “Fear Not” 366 times in the Bible. I mean seriously I think He has a clue. Still, I allow myself to become captive to my fears time and time again. Well, this is going to be a journey of me stepping out and overcoming those fears. I hope you will hop on and take this journey with me as I become intentional in the everyday realizing that I was BORN TO STAND OUT!!! Let’s Get Real Together.

Independence Day

So today is July 4th. I can't think of a more fitting day to launch my new blog. As some may already know this blog has been on my heart for several months now. I have been writing posts since April. I know you might be thinking APRIL...it is JULY what has taken so long. Well, to put it frankly I am a procrastinator at this sort of thing. I wanted to get a few posts written before I launched so I would have a bit of room without going weeks without posting anything.
My original plan was to launch in mid June. I have to say that God had other plans for sure. At the beginning of June my computer was possessed by the DEVIL, AKA a virus. Files were corrupted and my computer was pretty much inoperable. I think I might have lost my Salvation a few times in trying to get it fixed.;)
Anyway, this blog is a sort of release for me in my walk with the Lord. An Independence Day of sorts. I have been captive to so many things and ultimately the devil's lies. I'm breaking free of that, and desperate for change. I would encourage you to read the "about me" section of my blog to get an idea of where I am headed with this, but in addition to just sharing my journey I hope to challenge others to desire more as well. I certainly don't have it together and I certainly don't know much, but what I do know I hope to share. I will warn you though I can be passionate and VERY INTENSE when I write about things that have challenged me and convicted me. I will not apologize for what I write, because I'm just sharing what I am dealing with, but just consider yourself warned.;) God has been tearing me apart and making me deal with some nitty gritty issues and has prompted me to write about it. I hope that you will join my journey as we experience the freedom that God has in store for us.