Intentional

Okay so we are getting REAL here people. So what am I doing about my Fear of Loneliness? I’m turning it into a Passion for Friendship. I know that might sound a bit cheesy, but I don’t just mean friends with other girlfriends. I want to go deeper than that. I want to start with my friendship with God. For many many years now, due to past hurts, I’ve kind of shut down emotionally. I mean I’m still a very emotional person, just ask my husband. (You can feel a little sorry for him here). What I mean to say is that I don’t really invest a lot emotionally. I haven’t invested in my relationship with God, my marriage (that one hurt to write), I have more my daughter but not as much as I should, or in being a true friend. I haven’t allowed myself to be truly vulnerable with anyone in a long time. Sure, I may seem like I am, but I really just put an act on that everything is OKAY. There are times however, when life is just more than I can bear and I break down, but then I pretty quickly return to the “Everything is okay” face. Honestly, I’ve become very passive in my general lifestyle. I’ve let so many years slip away without a bit of intention applied to any of it. I’ve missed time that could have been spent growing in my relationship with God, I’ve missed time getting to know my husband as my best friend, I’ve missed making “moments” with my daughter, and too much time wasted not getting to know some of the amazing women around me. I want to be more intentional in my choices. I want to make my choices matter.

So what’s next? How do you change your perspective? Baby steps. Prioritize. My first order of business is OBVIOUSLY my relationship with God. It has been a long time since I’ve had a real heart to heart with God, other than when an emergency arises, and I am sick of the silence between us. Hey, but He hadn’t gone anywhere, I was the one who put Him on the shelf, and I was the one neglecting our relationship. So, due to the fact that it had been a while since I had really gotten into the Bible wanting or I should say NEEDING a Word, I decided to start with a simple devotional I was given at Christmas and then by reading the Proverb of the Day. I think God had Proverbs divided into 31 chapters, because He knew that would be a starting place for people to meet with Him. The devotional is sweet and simple, not very deep, but there are some great insights I have gained from reading it, but man the Proverb of the day is amazing. When I read it I have my journal next to me and write out the verses that jump off the page at me. I love it. If you have never studied the book of Proverb, man I highly recommend it. I also started having a REAL conversation with God. I don’t mean the whole “Father Who Art In Heaven” prayer, which is great, but I began to talk to Him like a friend. Now, why is it that I don’t have a problem praying in front of people, but when it comes time for me to talk to God by myself I get a little freaked. Oh yeah, the whole getting REAL thing is not comfortable. Even though He knows all my dirt, it’s just not fun admitting it all. Second, I wanted to start working on my relationship with my husband. I started reading this GREAT book For Women Only by Shaunti Feldhahn. Now, for me to say I am reading a book other than the Bible is HUGE!!! I have not read a book since college and that was Lady in Waiting, a really great book as well. I’m just not a book reader, but we are growing here people, and if I want to grow I have to engage my mind more than watching home improvement or cooking shows, or reading my favorite blogs. Books are not my thing, so much so that I have to set a goal for a chapter a day, and to be honest I’m a day and a half behind, but goals can be reset so no guilt here. Since I’ve started doing just these couple of things I’ve noticed an exponential difference in my perspective about life, my relationship with my husband, and I’ve got a renewed sense of passion and excitement about what God has in store for me in the future. Jeremiah 29:11 “ For I know the plans that I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” The journey continues.