AFRAID

Recently I had the opportunity to go to a leadership conference for MOPS (Mother’s of Preschoolers) and they talked a lot about Fear and Passion (I’ll get to the Passion part later). They asked us what are we afraid of and how that is affecting our lives. Well, I never really thought of it. I mean I’m a mom of a toddler, housewife, involved in my church…”BUSY”!!! I hadn’t taken the time to be introspective about anything, especially my fears. It had honestly been to long since I looked in the mirror, so to speak. Well, April 17^th 2010 they made me write my fear down on a piece of paper and show someone. For some reason that freaked me out that I had to show someone ( there it is again being afraid). So, I thought and thought and I could have filled the paper out with things I came up with. I wanted to try and narrow it down though. I finally, after a few minutes, had it…Loneliness. I think one of my greatest fears is loneliness. As I began to think about this, I began to realize that I was pretty lonely. Okay, so this part I’m not getting all “poor is me” just being real here folks. Why am I lonely? I have a great husband, a beautiful little girl, great family, and surrounded by great people, but how well did I know any of them? How many of them are FRIENDS? I mean sure, I am “friends” with several people, but I mean how many of them would I call at 2am and not feel like a burden or if they came over, not care if my house was a total mess? Not very many. Now, let me say this is no ones fault but MINE. I have fostered an attitude of “let’s make it through today”, and not of “let’s build a lifetime”. I have done this in my marriage, the way I interact with my daughter, and the way I interact with others.

So why am I afraid? A lot of it has to do with past betrayals by dear friends, early hardships in my marriage, and just general life change and entering a new season. I want to say that I haven’t harbored resentment, but hey we are BEING REAL here. I have legitimately been wounded by past experiences and relationships, but I cannot allow myself to grow bitter. Where bitterness grows, Grace cannot flow. (Haha!!! I made a rhyme). However, it is hard to forget. Those feelings do like to rear their ugly little head and resentment and bitterness try to set in, but I have to choose to forgive. That in and of it’s self is GOD. WOW GOD…He says that He will never leave us or forsake us, and when God says never He means NEVER. Why am I afraid? Am I afraid of what God might ask of me? Why? He says that He will never give us more than we can bear. Fear has this insane ability to make God small. He says that a mustard seed of faith can move mountains. Can He not handle the problems in my marriage or give me patience to deal with my darling daughter when she is not being so darling, I think not. All we have to do is ask. So why don’t we ask? I have a tendency to put God in a box. I think that God only cares about the BIG things, the fact that the dishwasher is making funny noises or my daughter seems to secretly know every thing to do to frustrate me, doesn’t that matter? The answer is YES, but why do I know that in my head and have such a hard time believing that in my heart. I have such a finite brain and try to wrap that around God, and let me tell you it doesn’t work with an INFINITE GOD. He knows we have fears ,that is why He says “Fear Not” 366 times in the Bible. I mean seriously I think He has a clue. Still, I allow myself to become captive to my fears time and time again. Well, this is going to be a journey of me stepping out and overcoming those fears. I hope you will hop on and take this journey with me as I become intentional in the everyday realizing that I was BORN TO STAND OUT!!! Let’s Get Real Together.