Let's Get HOLEY!!!

Wow!!! I know it has been a while since I've posted. I could conjure up some pretty decent sounding excuses, but the fact is I just haven't been intentional about writing. Who knows how much that will change in the coming days but for now I am going to take this one day at a time.

Anyway, recently I went through an amazing Bible Study, "No Other Gods" by Kelly Minter. Amazing really doesn't come close to explaining how transformational it was for me. I'm beginning to see things in a whole different way. One thing that I want to hit on today is becoming Holy.

Throughout the course of the study the word "holy" kept coming up. To get rid of the junk and pursue Christ. (That sounds seriously sunday school...sorry). However, when I kept hearing the word "holy" I kept thinking "holey", like to have alot of holes. I mean for thirteen weeks every time we talked about holy I thought holey, over and over again. My brain went to Swiss Cheese and not purity before the Lord. Well, I began to process through why am I thinking that. When talking about being holy I began to realize that there was alot of "stuff" in my life that needed out. Things that were blocking Holy from shining through. Things that I need to get rid of in order for Jesus to be seen. I need to get holey. The things that initially came to mind that I should deal with were: what I was watching on television, how much time I spend on facebook, and even what energy I was using in serving with wrong motives. Pretty much some of the stuff that you would think of initially, you know surface stuff. As I began to weed through some of those issues I found other things like, depending on relationships with others for self worth and not God, being very ME focused and not other's centered (especially in my marriage), contriving my definition of goodness and self worth by what I do and not WHO I serve. I was a little astonished, maybe not really, over how lacking I was in my relationship with MY DAD (as in heavenly father). All that I had traded away for Freedom, Love, Understanding, Forgiveness, Provision, Faithfulness, Wisdom...the list could go on forever. I think you get the idea. I traded playing fruit ninja for some worship time, or facebook time for just being still and meditating on Who He is. I lost...no I GAVE AWAY my joy for cheap, disgusting nothingness. MY DAD, the God of all Creation, loves ME, despite my selfish heart. He STILL AND ALWAYS will WANT ME just as I am. When I come just as I am that is when He can make me just as HE is. HOLY!!! He will never ask me to give up what He does not intend to replace. That is the best trade of all.

So What are you trading away for Holy?

Tied Up Tight

Okay, so it has been a while since I’ve written a post. I’ve been really well intentioned in the last several weeks, but never very intentional. I’ve had several topics that I’ve wanted to broach, but right now those will have to wait.

Right now, I want to talk about what I’ve been learning in my Wednesday morning Bible Study of Ruth. Ruth is by far one of my favorites and if you haven’t studied it you should. It is AWESOME, but I digress.

Anyway, during our study we have talked a lot about Loss, Love, and Legacy. We’ve been asked to do some real “soul” searching, and become very vulnerable and honest with ourselves. We’ve been asked to write our story and share the journey that God has us on. To be REAL with you…it has been extremely difficult. I feel like I’ve been put in the middle of nowhere, with only a can of beans and a spoon. How am I supposed to get this thing opened??? I’ve prayed and asked God to open me up, but nothing seems to happen. Honestly, I feel like I am asking the wrong thing, so much so I’ve been asking to be broken. (NOT ONE OF MY FAVORITE THINGS TO PRAY). I’ll put it to you this way… I feel like I’m tied up tighter than the prom queen going to her 25th high school reunion. What is my deal?!?! I want to be FREE, but Freedom requires effort and work.

I know right now I am in an incredible time of Harvest. God is doing amazing things in my marriage and in the lives of me and my husband. God is blessing my friendships abundantly more than I could ever think or ask. God is opening doors for me to be involved in the ministries of my church and in the lives of others. SO WHAT IS MY DEAL!!! My deal is that in the midst of the Harvest I’ve gotten LAZY. Corrie Ten Boom said it best “You don’t realize Jesus is all you need, until Jesus is all you have”. Well, I’ve forgotten. I’ve forgotten how He has seen me through my darkest most desperate moments. I’ve forgotten about His provision and faithfulness. My momentary Desperation has been met, but something deep inside longs for more. In a time of abundance I know that He still has a story for me, and I’ve gotten lazy in pursuit of it. I mean I’ve still gone through the motions just like I always do, but I’ve not remained dependant upon or desperate for that deep intimate relationship He desires for us.

So What Now??? I need to start by having some REAL conversations with God. What is in me that He wants OUT!!! OR what am I putting into me that He wants GONE!!! That is hard to write, because I like the way that I do things and I have a nice little routine of life. BUT we have to start somewhere. WE HAVE TO GET REAL BEFORE GOD OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN. I want the story He has for me. I mean if it is anything like what He is blessing me right now with then I can’t even imagine what else He has in store. GOD wants us JUST THE WAY WE ARE…PERFECTLY IMPERFECT. He knows all our secrets, everything we are ashamed of and everything we hope to be. If we just open up ourselves and trust that “GOD IS GOD and WE ARE NOT” then I promise God’s provision will abound in your life and mine.

The Lost Moment

Have you ever had an epiphany and didn’t get around to writing it down or a crazy dream that you wanted to put pen to paper about. I do that all the time. I miss these moments. Recently though, I feel like I get a glimpse of God and then just forget. For example: the other day I was on my way to a friend’s house to pick something up, it had been a rainy day and I was driving through my neighborhood. As I was driving over a creek I looked in the distance and there I beheld the most amazingly, perfectly clear rainbow I had ever seen. I believe at that time I had just been in a “dispute” with my spouse over who knows what now, and I was still a bit heated over it. I could have totally missed this spectacle of God’s glory displayed for what seemed like it had been just for me. If you know me at all, I love to look for God in nature. My favorite place is Concan, TX floating the Frio River and beholding the beauty of His creation. He speaks to me in those moments of awesome splendor.
Well, in my dispute I’m sure I used some unsavory language. It is a problem that God and I are working on, and it was as if God said NEVER AGAIN!!! Since I was a child I think of Noah and God promising to Never Again flood the earth, and the symbol of this was a RAINBOW. So my behavior warranted a “NEVER AGAIN” from God. It was quite humbling.
I truly believe that God speaks to all of us and the question is…are we listening? What if I would have missed that rainbow and God speaking into my heart a message of love, correction, and promise of a future? How many other promises or moments designed by God specifically for me have I missed in the past or simply forgotten about? I know there are things to be done and ministry to be filled, but I would hope that we would take time to ask God to speak specifically to our heart and then slow down enough to listen and wait for what He has to say. HOWEVER, be ready to OBEY if He is calling you unto Himself and what that might take.

The Thrill of Being Disciplined

I know the title of this post may seem a bit strange but it is a perfect description of where I’ve been recently. Let me elaborate. Tonight I had the opportunity to meet with a good friend and share my heart with her. We talked for what seemed like minutes but it was most definitely hours. I opened up with her about some of the fears I have been dealing with. I’m not talking about a fear of heights, spiders, or snakes even though I FEAR those as well, but what I am talking about is a paralyzing fear; something that just terrifies you to the core of who you are. Right now God is taking me on a journey of overcoming the fears that are entangling me and freeing me to live in the liberty of who HE has created ME to be.

This is scary to say the least. However, there is one thing that God has faced me in front of, something that has wounded me beyond belief and changed the very essence of who I am. Something I thought I had dealt with a long time ago and He is calling me to overcome and be made WHOLE and ALIVE. In this particular fear, He is calling me to action to overcome, to do the very thing I fear the most at this point in my life, and I just can’t. I have looked God in the face and said “NO”, not out of a heart of rebellion, but out of shear terror. I love God and desire to overcome this with everything that is in me, but I AM AFRAID…FROZEN in fright. I know that God desires to restore me to a place of WHOLENESS, but it is the hardest thing I’ve ever faced. As I write this it has been about 3 weeks since I was called to obedience and 3 weeks that I have said “NO”. During the past weeks I’ve have been disciplined and chastened like I have never known before.

Now some reading this might not understand what I mean, and honestly I didn’t understand fully until now. Let me just say that we serve such an AMAZING WONDERFUL GOD that deeply desires the very best for us, so much so that He is willing to discipline us into a place of submission.

I have never experienced such a thing before. In the past several weeks one thing after another keeps happening: sickness, broken IPHONE, things lost that I know exactly where I placed them, discord in my home…I could go on and on, and yet my disobedience remains. Even though I am working through this stronghold in my life it is so exciting to know that my SAVIOR loves ME. He loves me enough to call me unto Himself when I am unwilling or unable to meet Him at the cross.

I know that God desires me, to make me WHOLE, and to bless me beyond my wildest imagination. I know that He is pursuing me, and that is what is exciting. The actual discipline, not so much, but just knowing that MY GOD loves ME so much that He will discipline me until I am in a place where HE can use me, grow me, and bless me. I pray that my frozen feet will begin to move in belief of what God has for me.

Follow Up:
I wrote this post a couple of weeks ago, and since I’ve begun to experience such a freedom in my life. What I have been afraid of was so much bigger and worse and ugly than what reality actually was. I am still a work in progress in dealing with this stronghold, but God is enabling me to begin to experience freedom. Just remember this about Fear:
False
Evidence
Appearing
Real
My Prayer for my readers is that we would be able to break free from these lies, preconceived, or misconceived ideas and live in the freedom that God desires for us.

Breakthrough

Do you ever feel like you have a breakthrough in a specific area of your life: diet, marriage, friendship, or spiritually? I do. I have breakthroughs in my marriage, in parenting or should I say disciplining, in my friendships, and even the occasional breakthrough in eating healthier (a.k.a. dieting, which doesn’t usually last for to long). Recently, though, I feel like I’ve had these “mountain top” experiences with God: having my time with Him everyday, pursuing relationship with him, and then I get distracted. I might get distracted by parenting, housework, or even church-work, and I forget. I forget what the mountain top felt like, and so quickly. I forget what He wants for me and the promises that He has given to me. The story He is unfolding before me is breathtaking and I just seem to check out. Kind of like reading a really incredible book and then just putting it down for several days and forgetting how captivating it was. Why do I forget so easily? I wish I could blame it on A.D.D. or something, but that just seems superficial.
The GOD of ALL creation who gave His ONE and ONLY son for me, who loves me beyond all that I could imagine, regardless of the fickle person I am, who has a plan for me (Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a HOPE and a future”), and I can’t get it together to show Him the adoration and praise that He so desperately desires from me with any kind of consistency. Seriously!!! I mean I love God, and desire a relationship with Him, but it has to go beyond just a desire to some serious action. It has to exceed church-work, praying, and time with God. Should those things be included…OF COURSE, but it needs to be deeper than that. The perspective needs to change. It needs to be a life lived in amazement of God’s grace and goodness in our lives. Take time and not miss the everyday gifts He sets out just for us . God has so much He wants to share with us if we would just take the time to listen and pay attention. My prayer is that I would give God the adoration and relationship that He so desperately desires to have with me.

The Lost Art of Hope

What happened to HOPE? When I was little I would hope for a new pair of roller-blades or for a friend to be able to come over and play. I would hope for my family to be okay after my mom miscarried 2 different times. I would hope that everything would be okay? I would play the silly game M.A.S.H. in hope that I would marry a cute boy by age 22, have 2 kids, a dog named “scruffy”, and live in a mansion. Even though those may seem silly now, I’ve lost part of that. I’ve lost the ability to look to the future with anticipation for what was to be. I’m not saying I have a doom and gloom perspective about life, just wrapped up in the duties and mundane everyday things. I live exhausted and frustrated at times. I’ve lost a sense of HOPE.

Now, Dictionary.com defines Hope as: to look forward to with desire and reasonable confidence. Confidence, Faith, HOPE. I don’t feel like I have a very good grasp on those these days. Has my perspective on life become so jaded through my life experiences and just plain getting older? Why don’t I look at life with a more consistent perspective of Hope and Faith. Hope that my marriage will survive the staggering statistics of 50% failure rate or Hope that my children will see Jesus in a real way and learn to love and trust Him. Hope that I’m going to survive motherhood with all my hair and hope that I’m not always going to feel alone. My perspective most days is, let’s just make it though the day, but other days it can be, why isn’t my daughter listening to me, or, why can’t I keep up with the laundry, or even, why am I so frustrated. Honestly, I haven’t taken those things to God. I haven’t laid all of my frustrations and exasperation at His feet. I wasn’t made to carry the job of wife, mother, daughter, friend, and woman alone. God made me to need a relationship with Him, a relationship that if I go without will make me very lonely, frustrated, and burnt out. If I don’t lay my hopes and fears before Him and allow Him to take care of them I’m going to be very frustrated and always exhausted. Many times in the Bible He is declared to be the God of Hope. So why have I stopped hoping and just lived as if this was it? Always exhausted and wondering if there is more. Well, let me just say, THIS IS NOT ALL THERE IS. When we learn to live with a perspective of HOPE, even for an obedient child or for deeper relationships, a seed of Faith is born and God says that He can move mountains with just a mustard seed of Faith. So let’s hope for more and believe God for what He has in store for us.

Hebrews 11:1
Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.

Come Out, Come Out, Wherever You Are

Ok, I think I’m going to start just about every post with the phrase “Let’s Get Real”. It has a tendency to put me in the right frame of mind if I actually write it. So don’t be surprised if you see it pop up several times.

Today I have a lot on my mind. There are several things I want to talk about and I want to pick the right one for today. So let’s talk about what God has been sharing with me today. (That sounded about bit churchy…sorry). The past couple of days I’ve been reading a new book by John and Stasi Eldredge called Captivating. To say this is a great book that every woman should read, especially if you have little girls, is the understatement of the century. I could just write and write about everything I’m learning, but today I am going to share my revelation.

As I have mentioned previously, I’ve been reading the proverb of the day. Today I read Proverb 7. Proverb 7 talks about the young naive man who is enticed by the adulteress woman. As I began to journal I started to think about how it’s not only men who are enticed away from what God has for there life, but women as well. Now this is where the book comes in. The book talks about the story and plan that God has for women and what He wants to unfold. What caught me is, when they talked about how woman can hide. Let me explain. As a woman, I struggle with the feeling that I am a huge fraud. I mean I pretty much have it together on the outside, I wear nice clothes, my hair and makeup are always done, and I serve in my church, but if you came over to my house you would see a disaster area. I’m not a great housekeeper, wish I would have inherited that from my mother (she keeps a spotless house). I feel like a failure in a lot of areas. Sure I’m good at stuff, but stuff doesn’t mean much in the long run. I live sometimes afraid that someone is going to discover this about me…that I don’t have it all together. Well, let me clue you in here, most of us don’t. Well, due to this fact I have a tendency to hide, afraid of being found out. There are several places I hide and have hidden in the past and some of these may sound familiar. I have hidden in television shows, captivated by the story that is unfolding for the people in whatever drama series or reality tv show. I hide in my duties. I have an infant or now a toddler. We have certain nap times or schedules and can’t make it to playgroup or lunch with a friend. I hide in books or movies, escaping into whatever romance or adventure the characters may be embarking upon. It’s easy to hide and it makes us feel good. We may call it a guilty pleasure or that it helps us unwind. All of this may be true, but the question is not if it is okay to do these things, but what are these things causing us to miss. It goes back to being really intentional.

As a woman I was created for relationship. Relationship with my spouse, daughter, family and friends. However, most importantly I was created for a relationship with God. God’s heart at it’s very depth LONGS for a relationship with us, so why are we not seeking that. It is my greatest need as a woman, for relationship, I have God waiting to fill my every need, and I just want to drowned the world out in whatever program is on my DVR. Man, I feel like I’ve missed it big time.
So what now??? Now I really have to pray and ask God “WHAT?”. What do I need to give up for a real relationship with Him. I want a story, a legacy, that will live on in generations to come. How can that happen if I’m not being intentional…if I’m not willing to give up whatever He may ask in order that I might have all that He has to give? Would we give up our favorite TV show, book series, movies, or music if He asked? Would I give that up with a CHEERFULL heart? If not why? Am I so dependent on the pretense and drama of other’s fake lives that I would willfully miss out on the story and drama that GOD has to unfold in my own life? No one is going to remember who was with whom on Grey’s Anatomy, or if Jacob or Edward won Bella’s heart in the Twilight series, in 50-100 years, but what will be remembered is the kind of woman, wife, mother, daughter, sister, and friend I was. We need to be very cautious that we don’t live life with a mindset of what am I getting out of it, but of what we are able to give to the lives of those around us. BE INTENTIONAL!!!
1 Corinthians 6:12 (New Living Translation)

You say, “I am allowed to do anything”-but not everything is good for you. And even though “I am allowed to do anything,” I must not become a slave to anything.